“I didn’t like the gift. Do I have to keep it?”

You unwrap it, smile, say thank you. The person made an effort, chose it, maybe was even really happy to have found exactly this.

Only you already know you won’t use it.

The vase doesn’t suit your home. The sweater isn’t your style. You already have that kitchen gadget. But you put it in the cupboard, because selling it or giving it away feels somehow awkward.

“What if they ask?” “What if they see the listing?” “They spent money on it.”

And so a gift that was meant to bring joy becomes something you keep out of duty.

The thought and the thing are not the same

You can value someone’s attention and still admit that the thing they picked doesn’t suit you. Even the people closest to us don’t always match our taste or know what we need at that moment.

And it happens more often than we like to admit. The economist Joel Waldfogel asked students to estimate what the gifts they had received over the holidays were worth to them. On average, the gifts were worth somewhere between a tenth and a third less to the recipients than what had been paid for them. The biggest misses came not from friends but from more distant relatives, who simply don’t see our everyday lives. (Waldfogel, 1993)

So an unwanted gift is neither your fault nor the giver’s. It is what normally happens when one person tries to guess what another needs.

Still, passing on a gift can feel harder than passing on something you bought yourself. It feels as if we are pushing away the person who gave it, too.

Givers are less hurt than we think

Here is the good news. Psychologists have studied exactly this situation: how people feel when they learn their gift was regifted. It turned out that recipients greatly overestimate how much it will hurt the giver. Givers themselves mostly feel that once a gift is given, it belongs to the other person, who can do with it as they please. (Adams, Flynn, Norton, 2012)

In other words, that “what if they find out” is often bigger in our heads than in reality.

The point of the gift was to make you happy, not to fill a shelf.

Does something lying in the cupboard for years really show our gratitude? Maybe that book would interest someone. The board game would bring friends together. And the unused vase would finally get some flowers.

Not all gifts are the same

Of course, not everything is worth rushing to let go of. Before you decide, it helps to tell two kinds of gifts apart:

• Something with a story. A hand-knitted scarf, a grandmother’s tea set, a family heirloom, a drawing or an album. Their value is not in how often you use them. Here it is worth taking your time, and sometimes talking to the person who gave it. They might be glad to take it back or pass it on to another family member.
• An ordinary shop item. A candle, a cosmetics set, yet another mug, a gadget you already own. It was picked for you, but there is nothing you would lose by passing it on.

If you are unsure, ask yourself: “If I saw this in a shop, would I buy it for myself?” If not, and it has no special story, it doesn’t have to take up space in your home forever.

What you can do with an unwanted gift

There are several options, and they suit different situations.

1. Exchange it in the shop. If the gift is new and has a receipt, it can often be exchanged for something else. Many shops only exchange for a limited time, so it is worth deciding quickly rather than six months later. If asking for the receipt feels awkward, some shops can also find the purchase by the payment card or a loyalty card.
2. Regift it. If you know someone it would suit, that is a great solution. Just make sure it is really new, with no notes or cards inside, and that the new recipient isn’t from the same circle of friends. And give it because it will suit them, not just because you need to get rid of something.
3. Sell it. A new, unused item, especially with its tag or in its original packaging, sells far more easily than a used one. The money can turn into something you actually need.
4. Give it away for free. If it isn’t worth much or you don’t want to spend time haggling, give it to someone who needs it. That is often the quickest way.
5. Donate it. Charities, children’s homes, care homes or libraries are often glad of new things. Just ask what they actually need before you bring it.

How to write a listing for a gift

There is no need to hide anything or invent complicated stories. Simple and honest is enough:

• Say that it is new. “New, unused, with tag” or “still sealed” tells a buyer more than a long description.
• You can say why you are passing it on. “Received as a gift, but I already have one” sounds natural and builds trust. People understand it happens to everyone.
• Add clear photos. Daylight, a few angles, the packaging or tag if there is one.
• Name the item precisely. Brand, model, size or colour. Those are the words people search for.

And if you still worry that the giver will see the listing, remember: even if they did, they would most likely think it is good the thing isn’t gathering dust in a cupboard.

Maybe we could give differently, too

Gifts often miss not because people don’t try, but because guessing is hard. A few things make it easier for both the giver and the recipient:

• Say it out loud. “If it doesn’t suit you, I really won’t mind if you exchange it or pass it on.” It would be much easier for the recipient to say honestly whether the gift suited them.
• Include the receipt. Tucked into the envelope, it isn’t rude. It is a way of saying that what matters most is that the gift is useful.
• Ask. The wish to surprise is understandable, but research shows recipients are more often pleased with what they asked for than with an unexpected surprise. (Gino, Flynn, 2011)
• Give an experience or your time. A concert ticket, a dinner together, help with a move or a trip doesn’t end up in a cupboard.

Where to list it

If you have decided the thing would be more useful to someone else, on findings.lt you can list it for sale or to give away for free. Listings are shown on a map, so someone living nearby can find it. If you decide to give it away, just choose "Giving away".

Maybe somewhere else that vase will finally get some flowers. And you won’t have to feel guilty every time you open the cupboard. 🙂

Good to know